Letting go.
Giving up control.
Not knowing the answer.
You never knew the answer, but now you know that you don’t know the answer. Admitting that so much is beyond your control means admitting failure (not really, but in your messed up brain it does). Letting go means leaving your tight ball. The ball you formed slowly over days or weeks or years. It has become your constant, your comfort, your security blanket. Letting go means leaving the warmth of that tight ball and feeling the breeze as you extend your limbs out. Others remind you of the freedom that comes with letting go. Your own mind reminds you as well. You realize your ball hasn’t actually brought you what you need.
You l o o s e n an inch all over.
Then a n o t h e r.
Then a n o t h e r.
Eventually you are in between letting go and your ball. You realize that this in between is the worst state of all and so you finally release.
Your muscles relax.
Your breath becomes even.
The weightlessness is a comfort in itself. Soon you catch glimpses of those things you had hoped for. Those things that you held tight for. Your hopes and dreams come into focus. Come into reality. Can this be? It can. You catalog this journey with all the other times you let go. Swear you’ll never forget this feeling. Go around spreading your experience like it’s Gospel so you can lock it into your heart.
